I grew up in a very angry family. They spanked a lot. My parents both suffer from depression and take Prozac for it. My father is a recovering alcoholic and had a relapse back in November of 1997 with a drug called GHB. He overdosed and almost died. I had to call EMT and he was taken away to a hospital on a stretcher. My mom was a mess!!! Unfortunately, he and my mom were babysitting my son for the very FIRST time when this occurred. I needed help long before this (my son way born in May 1997), but hesitated to ask because I worried that no one could take care of him as well or that something BAD would happen when I wasn't there.
I did not feel depressed until after this incident. In fact, I felt elated when I first came home from the hospital! I was manic in behavior. I had to clean everything, would not shut up, could not sleep, ate very little, worried a lot, was easily irritated, etc. Then, after my father OD, when my son would cry, I would be angry. The bad thoughts were circling around in my head. Thoughts of my father O.D.-ing and being carried away on a stretcher, thoughts of being teased by him as a child, thoughts of my mother and her inability to protect me from him, thoughts of guilt, etc. My child's crying would break into my thought pattern and this would make me very angry with him. I wanted to go into his room and throw him against the wall. I thought if I would just go into his room and throw him against the wall, I'd feel so much better! I would curse and yell in the garage to try to relieve the frustration. That didn't seem to relieve my tension. The feelings became almost overwhelming. The thoughts, all negative, were constant. I remember Dharma and Greg was on TV and I was sitting there watching this beautiful happy woman blow bubbles through the introduction sequence. I thought as tears streamed endlessly down my cheeks, Why does she get to be so happy and I don't? Is it because I'm so fat? Is it because I don't work? Why? Why? WHY?!?!
That is when I thought about killing myself for the first time in my life. I felt my family deserved better. Then I thought about what a burden I would leave behind for my husband. By then, it was bedtime and I was laying in the dark next to him. I said, Honey, I don't think I can take this anymore. He got mad. We had been arguing a lot lately. He thought I meant him. He thought I wanted a divorce. I said, never mind. and went numb. Then, I told him I had to get help. I told him about wanting to throw our child against the wall. I don't quite remember the conversation, but I remember he finally understood that it wasn't his fault.
The very next day, we went in to the doctor's office. I had to tell everyone how I felt about my beautiful, perfect angel baby boy. It was the most ashamed I have ever felt in my life! I never felt like anyone was making me feel those awful feelings (Demonic Possession). I just thought I was a horrid, ugly, ungrateful witch. I also knew that I had to be as honest as humanly possible, or there would be no hope for any chance at ever feeling good again. I told EVERYONE about wanting to throw my child against a wall. I told them everything.
They did not consider me a threat only because I felt that I could leave my son in his room and call my hubby home if I felt the urge to hurt him that way. I was not psychotic at this point. I did not know that was even a possibility. Had I thought it would be, I would have asked to be separated from my boy as awful as that would be for both of us. My FIRST priority at that point was the safety of my son, then getting better.
The doctor's office gave my husband a note to take to work and they gave him some time off. He took his cell phone w/ him everywhere (he is an outside salesman). I took meds. Prozac did not work. Paxil did. Bad withdrawals, though. I had EMDR therapy. I had family therapy. I got better.
I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism during this crisis, but do not know what my thyroid levels were at the time. I was given thyroid replacement along with the antidepressants. Fortunately, a primary care doctor knew enough to test my thyroid levels at the time.
I think the Yates family actually saved me from going through this as severely a second time with my little girl!! You see, I became an activist after I heard about the Yates tragedy, but was not having any PPD symptoms at the time. I became symptomatic only after starting my website and becoming proactive. In fact, I had set-up a meeting with my doctors to discuss reform/education about PP illness, so they could treat women with PP illnesses more effectively!! Ironically, I had to be treated at the same time I was discussing reform with them!! My thyroid level was 12 times above the highest normal range at this time!! I was taking thyroid medication, but it had to be tripled in strength before my levels were stabilized.
By using my own techniques, I have been able to sell our home in California without a Realtor and move to a wonderful home in Colorado. Additionally, I have lost over 100lbs without a personal trainer!! Let me help you to reach your goals. If you want it, you can have it.
